asking a grieving person to feel better, just so you feel better for having comforted them, is less than appreciated. You are actively interrupting a process that happens organically in the soul. I cannot feel better, nor can I pretend I’m not changed from grief, for the sake of your comfort or ego. I can appreciate your soft words, your distractions, you feeding me, letting me sit and be still, letting me talk until I am hoarse. I can appreciate the genuine sentiment of “I wish I could help” or “I am here”. But telling me to “feel better.” This is just more pressure that mymy heart  cannot take.

A woman stands in a doorway watching sheets of rain fall from a poorly guttered roof. It’s the sort of rain that can be called a downpour; relentless in its assault on the city. She’s so used to the rain. Used to the way it soaks into the ground until the earth is saturated and can’t take up anymore and the puddles form everywhere; soggy mines on grassy fields. The streets can’t handle the onslaught and cars rush along on impromptu rivers sending sheets over dirty water fanning out like wet, muddy wings that pedestrians scramble to avoid.

There’s a sea of umbrellas below her. From the balcony she watches them jostle and bump into each other. They’re doing jo good to their owners; providing little relief from a wet so thorough that only those wise enough, lucky enough, to stay indoors are saved from its embrace. 

Adding insult to injury, it’s cold. Not cold enough to snow, that would be a blessing. It’s cold enough that she can see her breath and the the rain has an angry bite. She should go inside; instead she wraps the blanket tighter around her shoulders and watches the rain pelt the city. He’s out there somewhere, in the rain. She wonders if he’s rushing through the crowded sea of black umbrellas; close but delayed. Or maybe he’s in one of the frantic cars pacing through the mired streets closer to her than she believes, parking now, getting out to fly up the steps to where she is. 

She can feel him. All the time. What his hands feel like against her skin in the dark. What his mouth feels like pressed against hers. She runs a finger across her lips. Can almost taste him. He’s out there. Close enough but still too far away. Anywhere but her side, too far. 

She watches the rain. It’s picking up; a seemingly impossible task, but it does. Pounding on tin and tar rooftops, sheets pouring from eaves and awnings, leaves heavy under the weight of the flood and flowers bent in beds along the sidewalk. He’s out there. She knows. The rain will bring him to her. It always has. She waits.

I am not being nice. I know I’m not being nice and I should probably find a way to be nice, but a good friend told me, “don’t be nice, be good”. I don’t think they meant “be mean”. I’m fairly certain they meant that nice anyone can do. It’s not an ethical dilemma to be nice. But being good is hard. Regardless, ramble ramble, I am not being nice. The energy it would take me to be nice is not on my current tank. That tank is empty and filled with exploding cave spiders. Flame covered ones. With short fuses.

So I know I’m not being nice. And I need to do something about that. Just not sure now is the right time.

Craven’s Antique and Book Emporium had been, before it was a repository for the old and eclectic, a hotel.  Not an entire hotel, a restaurant and lobby and several smallish rooms along a balcony overlooking the main lobby that were really only fit for single travelers who didn’t mind the smallish beds, the lack of windows and the constant noise coming from the bar downstairs.  It had been, carefully not the right word, converted into a thrift shop after being sold to the owner before Richard Craven had bought it, and the beds had been dislodged, the cooking equipment sold and several walls demolished and doors boarded over leaving only the front and back exits.  Unless you wanted to count the side door that led into the walled in courtyard, which was really only used by employees over the years as a place to eat, read or do other activities too illicit for the main office from which it was accessed.

The large front lobby housed most of the books and antiquey things that the general public was most interested in.  Used, dusty, leather bound items mixed in with stacks and stacks of trade paperbacks, sometimes two deep on the shelves.  Trinkets and baubles and interesting art and statues and dollhouses and furniture and old, dusty smelling fabrics all tucked into bins and shelves and hanging from hook lined walls.  The original bar delineated the customer area from Craven’s workshop area and served as a place for cash exchanges on an old register that still made satisfying “ding” noises and reciepts were hand written on carbon paper instead of being printed by a computerized system.  They didn’t take credit cards, but Craven was notorious for taking trades and no one reallyh knew how he could afford to pay his employees over the years since on paper it seemed that the shop wasn’t really producing large amounts of income.  That wasn’t a problem since most knew that Craven was wealthy enough after a “windfall” of some sort in his early 20s and since he had no children of his own, he tended to lavish ridiculously good pay on his employees.  That wasn’t enought to keep some of them around.  The store was odd, quiet at best, the customers sometimes more strange than the wares and Craven himself was such a bizarre old man that keeping anyone around had proved a problem from about 1979 on.  No one stayed more than a few months.  Not until Kitty.  She hated the name Kitty and really only let old man Craven get away with it.  It felt like a little girl’s name, not the name of a nearly 26 year old, college educated woman.  But he found it adorable, despite her repeated insistence that he call her Kathy or even Kat.  In return for this slight, however, he was a kind employer, let her take long vacations twice a year without docking her pay and she was content in the old, strange store with it’s funny customers and odd employer.

Now standing with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar, she regretted not waiting until the little man in the canvas coat and ridiculous hat had left the store before going about her curiosity fulfilling, slightly off limits, mission.  If he did indeed know Mr. Craven, he would report it back.  She wasn’t sure that even her 6 years of continuing devotion to the old man and the store would be enough to save her from the repressions of opening the cases and getting into the books that he was insistent were off limits.  The little man was looking at her with a funny gleam in his eye.  Like he was sizing her up, trying to decide whether or not she was really all that bright.  She’d seen that look before.  She was fully aware that she looked more like a child or a doll to most other adults.  She was petite and her cheeks were always a bit to rosy and her eyes a bit too bright.  She was dressed in a simple gray wool skirt and white button down shirt, and her hair was tied with a red ribbon, which she was regretting since it added to the overall impression that she was, perhaps, not as old or bright as she knew deep down she was.

A sudden movement caught both their attentions; Mr. Boppyface, the store cat, had jumped down from a shelf and landed smack into the open case.  This just kept getting worse.  Kitty heaved a large sigh and began to reach for the crabby, squash faced, orange ball of mean, but the little man scrambled forward at the same time and as she scooped the cat into her arms, he was startled, scratched her forearm drawing beads of blood and bolted away into the stacks.  Everything happened very, very quickly after that and when she would look back, Kitty would wish very much that she had never gone upstairs that day.  She would, in fact, wish she had never gone into the store at all that morning.  Actually, when she would think of it later, she would often wish she had never, ever ripped out the ad asking for a steady employee with no dust allergies and a reliable form of transportation from the local newspaper that six years earlier, and that she had, instead, gone to work with her friend in the local diner.  Certainly the hazards there would not include books that opened and hissed when a spattering of blood hit their cover.  As it were, at this moment, she did indeed work at Craven’s.  And the book was indeed hissing in her general direction.  Yes, hissing.

There is a common misconception that Extroverted individuals are never shy, want to be around all the people all the time, or are, in general, happy go lucky individuals that experience little to no social anxiety.

It’s a fallacy I am going to dismantle for you right here and now. I have stated before I recognize that I sit square in camp Ex. I enjoy the comapny of others, don’t get terribly exhausted by parties or gatherings, can tolerate being in groups, and when I need to recharge my batteries I prefer the comapny of a friend or family  over being alone.

This does not mean however that I can tolerate a very long work day where I have to constantly interact with strangers. It does not mean that before meeting someone new I don’t freak the fuck out. If a party is more than 5 people I don’t know, I’m likely to leave. If I do have to stay, I’ll interact, but will not always be as kind as im capable of being. This is because I can only be so “on” with strangers and the more strangers around me, the less strength I have to filter my personality. 

I prefer the companionship of my family and a group of close knit friends. I may make friends quickly with someone new, but it often will mellow out into something more akin to aquaintance if I find that person to be too taxing on my filters. My closest friends are ones that allow me to make big mistakes socially. To say and do things that are completely inappropriate. While they may take a moment to remind me of the intensity or inappropriatess, it is never a lecture or a scolding. If I am around someone who cannot tolerate my big without making me feel that there is something wrong with it, they are quickly relegated to “sometimes coffee” friends. 

I’m not always nice. I sometimes say exactly what’s in my brain at exactly the moment it is thought. It’s something I struggle to rein in on the best of days, in the best of years. I don’t want to hurt people. Sometimes I do. The shield between my brain and mouth takes a lot of work to maintain, so I pick people to be around that know that sometimes I am just too tired to keep it up.

So back to the whole fallacy. I can’t be around all the people all the time. Grocery stores stress me out because I’m easily over stimulated. Malls too. And IKEA makes me want to hide in the Gluug aisle. Still love people. And comapny. Just the ones a choose. Being an extrovert isn’t an automatic “I like everyone!”. It also is not an automatic “im always nice!” Sometimes I have a job to do. Sometimes I just don’t like someone. Believe it or not, it is okay to not like everyone. Sometimes I meet someone and like them at first, get to know them and realize that they are too much for me. Sometimes I don’t like someone for a very long time, until I find that ground we can stand on together  without WW3 breaking out. Being extroverted doesn’t make it any easier for me to make friends than it does for introverts. It just means I might have more opportunities to meet people to become friends with. Equally, however, that’s more people to meet that just rub me wrong.

Hopefully any of this makes sense. If not, oh well. 

ps: is it spring yet? I have plans. There will be basil.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

The wee lass jumped so hard at the sound of his voice that she banged her head against the low hanging ceiling.  He only felt a little bad.  If he hadn’t suspected what she was up to, she’d be knee deep in a mess now. Humans.  So clumsy.  He guessed that was the reason they bred so prolifically ; any species so disaster prone had to reproduce like rabbits in order to survive the world they were obliviously living in.

“You scared me.” She said, then, remembering her role and manners, she giggled and asked the obvious, “can I help you? You really aren’t supposed to be up here.”

Neither was she, but he didn’t need to say it out loud.  What he did need was for her to step away from the case.  Although she had turned to face him, she still had one hand sort of half dangling near the book.  Inches from the cover.  She was wee, even by his standards. He knew that human women tended to be tinier than the men, but honestly he could rarely tell the difference.  This one reminded him of a doll his daughters had fought over once; all eyelashes and rosy cheeks and hair without a snip of heft in her tiny form.  The eyes though.  He had met enough humans to know that most of them were idiots.  Not just unsmart.  Idiots.  Traipsing around a planet that they didn’t have a clue how to maintain, creating idiotic offspring and going about doing truly idiotic things.  Some were so smart that they had no idea they were idiots.  Those were the worst sort.  This one, she had something.  A little spark.  There may be hope for the whole situation after all.

“Don’t think you’re supposed to be up here either.” He snipped.  She took her hand out of the case just long enough to put it on her hip and threw him a look, that had it not come from a human, would have withered.  On her it looked slightly comical.  But there it was again, the spark of intelligence.

“I’m sorry, sir, do I know you? Do you know Mr. Craven?” He knew Craven alright.  Better than she ever would.  Biggest idiot he’d ever met.  One of the smart kind.

“I do, indeed, know Richard.” He hoped the use of Craven’s “Christian” name would be enough to give him an air of authority and she’d be more willing to listen to him and put the lid on the damn case and get out of the damn annex long enough for him to undo the bit of damage she’d done just by opening the damn thing.

“Well, I’m afraid he’s out of the country at the moment, and has left me in charge.  Now, if you would please come with me, I’ll be happy to help you find whatever you are looking for.”

Yup, she was the good kind of smart.  This could go one of two ways.  He had a feeling that this assignment, his last if he was lucky, would be much more difficult than he’d hoped.  Humans were usually easy enough; wave of the hand, some bluster, and you got them back on track, fixed the problem and went on to the next job.  This one was big.  There was a huge bonus attached and he was retiring so it had seemed like a really hedged bet.  Now he was regretting turning down the Pixie infestation in Mexico City.  But he hated hot weather and people.  So, he’d taken the book job in the small town in the high mountains with the big bonus.  He couldn’t regret it quite yet, but he knew, deep down, that he probably would sooner than later.

Sometimes we need gentle reminders that we are still human. Today that reminder came to me in the form of overwhelming grief. It was okay. I lived. I’ll live if it happens again. Because grief is human. And it reminds us that we get very little say in when we will be taken from this life.

It had started out as a Very Good Day. Her eyeliner went in without smudging, the cats had not puked on anything in the night, her coffee brewed perfectly dark and perfectly hot and the walk to the bus stop, although bitingly cold, was under a sky so blue and a sun so bright she couldn’t help but smile.

She was the first one in the store. The open sign banged against the glass door and the little bell dingled a hello at her as she entered.  She locked the door once she was inside and began the happy process of opening the little shop before actually opening it.  A combination book store and antique store and thrift store and art store, the shop was owned by a friend of friend’s father who traveled quite often, bringing back strange collections of dusty books, weathered and smelling of dust and adventure.  There was the faint scent of paint and turpenoid; the old man was restoring a painting he’d discovered on his latest trip to Florida.  It was leaning against the wall behind the long counter that defined the area for customers and the area that said “maybe you should stay out of this area unless you like sharp things poking you or oil paint on your very nice clothes.”

Promptly at 10:00 she flipped the little sign so it read “closed” on her side, unlatched the deadbolt and stood with her hands on her hips, hopeful that a customer would come in soon.  The day was so good that surely her customers today would be interesting and eager to buy and she would be saved a day of restocking toilet paper, dusting and reshelving books and, of course, inventory.  January meant inventory and while she relished the idea of counting and sorting and touching each of the neatly bound tomes, she didn’t actually want to do all of the  scribbling and counting.  That part led to achy wrists and a hunched back and made her eyes burn.

She made a quick sweep of the main floor, tucking a few loose books back in place and adjusting the pink, silk, fringed shade on a brass lamp that was overpriced or undervalued or maybe a litlte of both because it had been in the store since she’d been working it and the closest anyone had ever come to buying it was a little old lady who had misread the decimal and when she realized the actual price of the lamp had limped away muttering under her breath and swiping TWO extra cookies from the snack cart before attempting to slam the very heavy door behind her.

She heard the ding ding that meant someone had entered the store.  She looked up and saw a small man in a very heavy coat wander in.  Hands in pockets, ridiculous hat drawn down low over his face.  The kind of hat a hunter would wear sitting in his hide.  Flannel and fur and bright red plaid.  Combined wiht a heavy canvas coat and boots that made a significant clomping noise as he walked, he looked more like an overdressed child than a man, but he had an enviable beard, and a heavy pronounced brow that clearly indicated more age than youth.  She gave him a quick wave and a “can I help you find anything” but he only nodded and touched his fingers to his brow in a sort of “thanks but no” gesture and set to work at the coffee cart.  She was used to strange customers, it was a smallish town and it was a strangeish shop.  She went back to work and let the man be.  She did notice that he’d dropped a dollar in the Styrofoam cup that said “help us help you caffeinate” under the poster that was a reproduction book cover that read “The Spice Must Flow” only someone had crossed out spice and scribbled “coffee” in it’s place.  He gulped down the hot coffee, threw away the cup rubbed his hands together and disappeared into the nearby stacks.

She decided it might be best to start her inventory in the locked glass cabinets in the annex, and since the little man didn’t seem to be in a hurry to complete whatever shopping he’d come in for, she grabbed the small key ring from the desk drawer, made her way up the stairs and across the balcony and began unlockign a series of dramatic, glass cases that held some of the more interesting, or valuable, books in the store.  She’d been doing inventory in the store for nearly six years and each year the book count on this floor was the same.  THe owner said it was unlucky to keep more than 13 books in the case at a time and that it was equally unlocky to keep less than 13 books int he case at a time so ever year she knew she would find 13 books in the case.  However, she never knew which 13 books she would discover.  She was not allowed to handle sales from this case.  In fact, she was technically not allowed to inventory the books in this case.  It was a pleasure she allowed herself once a year; the unlocking and handling of the strange, rare, deliciously mysterious books kept in the case.

She looked around a bit nervously.  If the little man with the enviable beard from downstairs shoudl wander up while she had the case open, he might request to handle or even purchase one of teh books she was quite forbidden to touch.  But he seemed pleasantly distracted in the used paperback section and had currently plopped into an overstuffed chair to read what looked like an old pulp sci-fi novel.  She turned back to the task at hand.

The little keys each matched on of seven locks across the front of the chest, which reminded her more of a coffin than an actual display case. The top and sides were glass, and it was lined iwht a deep, burgundy velvet. The kind of fabric you’d expect to find lining the case of a very fine cello.  She could see each of the 13 books, arranged in no particular order according to size or obvious age, staring a bit accusingly at her as she lifted the lid and set it to the side.  She was a bit disappointed.  In previous years she’d found as amny as 12 had been replaced by Something New, but this year it looked as though only one had found it’s way into the case.  That one, however, was fasciniting for several reasons before she even touched it. First, it was very, very big.  It was taking up so much space that the other 12 books were lined up nearly touching.  It had to be at least 2 feet wide and half again as tall and it was so fat, so full of thick, yellowing pages, that it didn’t sit closed quite flush.  In fact, there was a buckle holding the whole thing shut, possibly together.  Second, it appeared, and this was the part that nearly made her stop her whole endeavor, replace the case lid and go back downstairs to Pretend This Had Not Happened, it appeared as though the whole thing was bound in a piece of skin.  Not leather, not vellum, and not animal.  There was a distinct tattoo wrapping around the upper portion of the book, something quite human in it’s design.  Yes.  It was.  The book was bound in human skin.

The day suddenly seemed to be Not As Good and a queasy sensation in her gut mingled with an insatiable curiosity and although she was more than a little terrified that at some point in time someone had decided that the hide of a human being would make a good book cover, she began to reach for it, an overwhelming desire to touch the thing mingling with that instinct that all sane and smart humans have that scratches at the base of our skulls and tell us with no uncertain hesitancy to RUN and run fast.  She had her hands just inside the case and was about to embrace the hideous thing when a voice behind her made her jump so high she nearly hit her head on the low hanging ceiling.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

 

Ive been sitting on a problem for a few months now. Maybe since…November? I don’t know really. It’s a thing that started and I don’t know when it started just that it did.

It’s not a secret I play the Roller Derby. Proof?  

 
Anyway. I’ve been doing this long enough that I’ve had quite a few lasting experiences and learned a lot. I’ve been with two iterations of the same team, a third team and now my most current and longest lasting team (this is the league I’ll die in btw, they’re stuck with me).

In the past two seasons (that sounds right) I’ve also taking on the task of coaching new skaters as they come into the league. I didn’t like coaching at first, I did it because I felt obligated. Afte a summer of doing, however, I found that it had become my favorite part of derby.  

Now comes the dilemma. In addition to coaching I also sit as president of our BOD and play on our travel team. I’ve noticed that im having a hard time switching roles. Players are treating me like “managment” even when I’m out on the track as “team”. It’s very demoralizing. Especially when I get near constant “managment” related complaints at practices, in emails and secondhand. I’m no longer being included in the “fun” stuff. Things like marketing and recruiting that are my favorite things to do are only being run by me as a courtesy and not as a “do you want to participate”.

I’ll admit. Most of these newer skaters only know the new angry version of me. So 99.9% of this is on me. My problem to fix. I just don’t know how. I love all the roles I play on the team and don’t want to give any up, but I can’t help but think maybe it’s time for me to decide where I fit. Do they need me on the team more than as a coach? Vice versa? What’s my line here folks? I’m not sure. When I think about not putting on my uniform this year it devestates me. Likewise, giving up coaching seems like the wrong move.

Anyway. Like the title states, this is awkward life stuff no one prepares you for. I just have to wing it and hope I don’t fuck up.

Now have a kitten pile