I plan to come back to a few things this coming week, including two tournaments, a family vacation and some realizations I’ve had about where I want my future to go. Right now, I know if I don’t get this post down, I never will. It’s fear that holds me back from this discussion, but with encouragement, I’ve decided it’s well past time.

I talk about derby a lot. I started writing about derby on this blog as I was transitioning out of skating as a team member for my local league and into officiating. When I started, my goals were pretty big. I wanted to ref playoffs, maybe even champs. I had excellent mentors locally. Two referees who had been certified through our national organization, traveled a lot and brought their knowledge home to me. Through a series of events in that first six months, those two officials became incredibly jaded against the certification process, rightfully so. This isn’t their story. This is about me. I suddenly found that my goals were something to be made fun of. That if I wanted certification, playoffs, recognition, that was laughable, because the system was (and possibly still is) corrupt. Unfortunately, I let that sink in pretty deep. I gave up on those goals. I would never be “that” official. The work needed, the travel required. It was so far beyond the reach of someone like me, out here in a state full of D3 leagues spread hours apart, that I was really an idiot to want those things.

Last year something changed towards the end of my season. Suddenly, during a few tournaments, I was getting feedback like “why aren’t you doing these tournaments?” “You’re a solid official with a lot of potential.” “I want you to apply for this tournament I’m in charge of.”

What? Me? But I’m a nobody. I mean, look at the way my friends had been treated, wouldn’t I be betraying them if I did the things that they did only to be shit on? Wouldn’t that be a slap in the face after what they went through? So I went into to December of last year ready to quit. Because I had no goals. And I had no local mentors. I hadn’t received positive feedback at home in over six months. I only got actionable feedback at tournaments. I was depressed. I had given up.

Derby did what it always does though and I found myself planning for this season, despite the depression. I reached out to a Tournament Head I had worked with to ask a simple question “If a newer official were to apply to one tournament next season, what would you recommend.” He asked if I was the official and when I said yes, the answer was definite and quick, “The Big O.” I laughed out loud, literally, because that was not a tournament I had on my radar at all for someone like me. It’s a BIG deal. It’s a known game changer for our sport, teams and the officials who attend. But I applied anyway. And I got in. And it was a game changer.

I walked away from The Big O with my goals suddenly screaming from the far back shelves of my brain where I’d carefully curated them along with several other failed dreams. They wanted out. They wanted room up front. They wanted attention. And I, reluctantly and fearfully, started listening. I followed up Big O with another tournament I had attended last season and the feedback from that was outstanding. The things they saw in my last year had come to fruition. I am well on my way to becoming a good official. I just need access to the level of play that will get me to there. That isn’t happening in New Mexico, sadly.

I realized that I was accepted into every tournament I applied for this season. Including Junior Roller Derby Association’s Championships and World Cup in Philadelphia. I was invited to two more tournaments I thought well outside my reach. I was supported when I made a decision to turn down a tournament I really wanted to do because it conflicted with family plans. I was encouraged to apply for certification. I was encouraged. I hadn’t been encouraged since those first couple of months of officiating. But here I am now, ready to reach out for those goals again.

Now comes the hard part. I have a plan in my head. It starts with applying to several of the tournaments I was unable to attend this year. It involves training with the closest D1 and D2 leagues, which, unfortunately, are six hours a way in Denver. It involves continuing to train and teach the officials at home that rely on me to bring my knowledge home, just like those friends did for me when I first started, before shit went south. It involves travel, balance, and, you guessed it, money.

When I was part of the team I skated with, I had no qualms about asking for sponsorship money, donations, fundraising and the like. I had no issue giving money to skaters for clinics and training. I had no problem asking for money for things our league needed, even though we were a sub-D3 farm league who rarely traveled, never outside of New Mexico when I was on the team. When I moved into officiating, the culture shifted. Suddenly I was doing things well above what I’d ever done as a team skater. I was officiating higher and higher levels of play. I was included in Junior playoffs and Champs last season. I did all of this on my own dime. It was laughable when I suggested I needed a sponsor. I was LITERALLY laughed at when I suggested I needed financial help to meet my goals, after all, all the skaters pay to play.

The difference is what I mentioned above. The leagues use the money the skaters pay in to help skaters get where they are going. They have sponsors to pay for uniforms and in some cases new gear. They ask for donations and do fundraisers to pay for travel for their travel team. Why do we, as officials, treat ourselves differently? Especially considering that most officials in other sports actually make a salary to do so. I get gas stipends to go to and from Albuquerque, but beyond that, I do not get paid to officiate Roller Derby. A sport that has gone mainstream enough to land itself on ESPN does not pay its officials. We are expected to grow, learn, become good enough to go to those playoff/champs games, all without the support of a league, union, organization, team. We do it alone, for the most part.

I can’t speak for everyone. I know some leagues will help cover the expenses of the officials who travel with them to games. Or will give officials who have been accepted into playoffs or higher money to get there, regardless of the league’s standing at those events. I can only speak for me. I’m out here on my own. I don’t have travel companions. I go alone to all of these events. The airfare, gas, hotels, food and gear expenses fall directly on my shoulders and mine alone. I sleep on beds offered by other officials when I can. I eat at the venue, and not much else besides that on most trips. I am debating whether the model to reach my goals is actually sustainable without help. I don’t think it is.

So I’m asking for help. It sucks. I HATE asking for help. But if I were still part of the team, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask. I would not, for one minute, be above knocking on every door to get the money my team needs to get where they need to go. So I have to ask myself, why is it bad to ask for help now? I don’t think it is. I could be wrong, and I expect to hear a lot of feedback supporting that.

What am I asking for? I’m asking for anything you might want to do to help. A kind word, a dollar or two, a share of this post. I’m asking you to consider that I’m not alone in this world of officiating without pay in roller derby. How are your officials doing at home? Are they getting the support they need financially? Is your league sitting on funds they could share with those officials when they go to tournaments that make them better officials? Are you a skater who has gotten help from a league when you needed to travel and couldn’t? Can you return the favor now? If not to me directly, somewhere in the officiating community?

I’m going to put a pay-pal link up on this blog. And It’s going to stay there. The money I get will go directly to cover travel expenses to the tournaments I have agreed to do this year and anything I get above and beyond those needs will help my plan out next season. I won’t use the money for gear, clothing or food. It will be used directly to cover Airfare, gas and lodging only.

In return, I promise that I will bring my knowledge to any new official who wants to learn. I will teach them what I know, treat them with dignity as they grow and make their own goals and do whatever is in my power to pay forward everything that’s been done for me and then some. I will do my part to end the officiating crisis regionally and beyond as much as I can.

That’s it. That’s the hard part out of the way.  I’ll be posting about my experience at The Big O and Mayday Mayhem in the coming days. I just got back from an amazing trip to see family too, that is going to be a fun one to write up.

Thank you for the ear.

I wanted to get all my thoughts out about Clover Cup much sooner but I came home and immediately turned around to do a family spring break trip to Denver. So here I am, prepping to leave town again for another tournament Today and trying to unwind all these thoughts I have about officiating, derby culture in general and the balance I’m trying to maintain this year in an attempt to avoid the burnout I see so many of my friends go through season after season.

We Made It

Clover Cup was exactly what I needed to start my season. I’ve talked at length about how I feel about this year; it’s exploratory. Can I still meet my goals as an official and balance family, work and going back to school? Can I do the things that crews and teams need without a local league to work with? I was very put off of derby mid-winter and decided to take the same advice for myself that my partner and I give our kid: don’t quit until it’s fun again. When we do our hobbies, it’s easy to want to quit when things get hard or have plateaued or we’ve hit a snag. So we always try to wait things out and if, when things are really fun and at their best, we still feel like it’s time to find something different and for a change, then we move on. Clover Cup proved to me I am not ready to move on from officiating derby just yet.

Friday Run

Friday was rough. The floor was mush. The temperature hot. I felt off. I sprained my ankle and had a lot of intense pain in the first games of that day. However, I had the absolute best crew I could have hoped for. I mentioned in my pre-Clover post that I had chosen Clover Cup because I had the chance to work with a female TH and CHR and wanted that mentoring. It was the right choice. Ninja is some sort of magician (It’s the glitter) when she puts her crews together and my Crew Head, was exactly who I needed to kick off the season. I got to work with one of my favorite people from my last tournament of the year in 2018 and met new people who I’d always wanted to work with. I had a great OPR mentor and learned things about positioning that I couldn’t have done from watching 100 hours of footage and by Sunday, our crew was so gelled we ended up working the Champs game. This is important to me, I was part of a strong crew that did well and we achieved an officiating goal as a group. I felt so supported by the entire crew, by the tournament heads and by the rest of the officials at the tournament in general. It was a really good experience on and off the track. And as for hosting, Dallas Derby Devils did an amazing job and I would recommend any official who gets the chance, support their games and events. They went out of their way to make sure that everyone was taken care of, safe, fed and happy during the event

Very Good Food. Too Good.
Biddy Buddy!
As close as I got to exploring was this hockey next door
Clover Cup Tenth anniversary: this dude has been at all ten, it was my first
Our cozy corner of the world, those chairs tho

I wish I would have gotten out a bit more, but honestly, I couldn’t find the mental energy to drag myself into downtown Dallas. I try to eat healthy on trips like this and I just didn’t this time. I ate birthday cake and Thai food and hotel breakfasts each day. I felt worn out by Monday. It was a great reminder that as good as big city food is, my body is 40 and can’t take it anymore. I also was a little disappointed that there’re still a few skaters who think that if they lose a game, officiating is the first go to place to look for blame. We really need to be better about this as a community. Officials, we can be better about not getting our hackles up if this happens and listen with open minds to concerns that are brought to us in a fair and kind manner. And skaters, can you find ways to communicate your concerns that don’t lay the entirety of your disappointment on seven, unpaid volunteers? I think that’s a fair place to start.

I over-packed, as usual. And felt flustered when all of my stuff would get scattered. This weekend’s trip is by plane and I’m not checking a bag, that should be a really interesting contrast and I’ll be posting my packing shenanigans soon.

Overall, I chose Clover to parse out my feelings towards derby this year and mission accomplished. I made new friends, achieved some personal goals, figured out where I want to be this year, and felt safe and supported. 10/10 would ref again.

I ain’t got a dime but what I got is mine
I ain’t rich but Lord I’m free
Amarillo by mornin’
Amarillo’s where I’ll be

-George Strait

Pulled in at 1 am and fell into the beds at the Best Western. I40 music lulled me to sleep. There’s a little girl eating a waffle too big for face across the lobby; she’s wearing the same jacket my daughter has on most days and it made my heart ache a little. As soon as we eat we pull out and head to Dallas. But for now, I’m going to enjoy the sun in Amarillo.

Today I turned 40. I thought I’d hate it. Isn’t 40 supposed to be big and scary? It wasn’t. It was beautiful and fun and filled with laughter and family. My husband and daughter surprised me with a Ukulele and some wonderful books and travel gifts and I spent my work day with children who do nothing but bring joy into my life on a daily basis. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to my birthday, wondering if I should have a huge party or if I should *do* something. In the end, spending it the way I did was perfect. My life is about continuity right now. I am alive; something that was a questionable prospect these last couple of years given the state of my mental health. Spending the day just being alive and loving that fact was a pretty big victory celebration in itself.

I’m leaving today to head to Dallas for Clover Cup. We decided a jump start was for the best so we weren’t pulling all 11-12 hours on the day before the tournament. Cutting 4ish hours off tonight puts tomorrow in a normal driving range for us and that felt smart. Don’t know where we will end up tonight! That’s a little scary for me as someone who loves to over-plan, but I am willing to wing it this time since I have a traveling companion, something I don’t always have the luxury of.

Packing was a little nightmarish. I finally had to start over. Usually, I have a great list and I stick to it and follow it. For some reason, with this trip, I was punishing myself and trying to pack as though I was going to be gone for three days when I reality it is five and a half. Don’t do that if you don’t have to. We will be driving and I realized I could take a larger bag than my usual “must fit in smallest compartment” gear. I don’t like a bunch of bags to haul up to a room, but I also hate not having clean clothing and options for comfortable quick changes in weather, so I finally unpacked and started over. A quick rundown of what my bare minimum for a tournament weekend list looks like:

2 jerseys
2 pairs athletic capris
2 pairs of socks per day
2 changes of underwear per day 
compression Shirt
compression stockings 
2 finger whistles/1 lanyard whistle
skates/protective gear
first aid kit (with blister pads and ice pack)
Yoga socks for between games

Meds for 1 week (no matter how short the trip)
Sweatshirt/light jacket for inside venue (indoor winter is a thing)
Plain black shirt (it works for going out or emergency NSOing)
Jeans and 1-2 shirts for between games appropriate to location and weather
Jammies
Comfortable walking shoes
Plain black shoes

It seems like a lot but I can get all of this into one nice Ikea backpack and an old carry on. Weekends that are less than 5 games (2 days) are pretty light. This weekend is 6+ games and a lot of time away from home so I am definitely packing heavier and taking more creature comforts. I brought along my DnD manuals, some embroidery projects, my therapy homework, and journals. It’s a lot. Which reminds me I need to go rearrange a bag.

I’m a huge fan of packing cubes and little bags and I utilize those a lot so it doesn’t feel like I’m taking too much because it’s tightly packed. My favorite purchase this year has been this bathroom organizer which hangs on the back of a door so when I am sharing a hotel room, my bathroom stuff isn’t monopolizing the counter. I can fit so much stuff in here. There are full sized bottles of facial cleanser and dry shampoo in there. It’s pretty leak proof so far too. Right now it is packed inside my suitcase, which speaks to it’s overall size/shape.img_0124

Other wee bags I had laying around to do other sorting:

I feel pretty good for the trip and plan to touch base each day of travel (that will be a first, let’s see how it goes!) Thanks to everyone who has purchased a fundraiser shirt so far! I have a tank of gas, and that goes a long way (pun intended).  How do you get ready for a long trip? Does it make a difference if  you know you are going to be driving or flying? I would love to hear new tips and tricks so drop a comment below!

 

 

It’s a beautiful day outside and I’m sitting next to a sunny window making checklists for my first tournament of the season. I really want to keep a better account of my journey this year, because it’s an important part of the process for me and I need something to look back on when I wind down at the end of each season. So here we go!

I applied to Clover Cup ,hosted by the Dallas Derby Devils, back in the winter, when I was still a little uncertain about reffing without a league to practice with locally. I had also applied to Dust Devil and, at the time, knew I would likely apply to two events in Phoenix as well. I was focusing on events I could drive to at that point in my season planning stage. Dust Devil was close, a ten hour drive, and the tournament head ref was someone I’d had a really good experience with at Monsoon Madness last year as a crew mate. However, when Clover Cup announced that the tournament head for their event was a female official I had also worked with and feel has offered me solid mentoring in the past, I decided I would apply to it as well.

The two tournaments butt either end of my local school district’s spring break and I knew I would have to pick one. Within a few days (it felt really short, maybe a week?) I had an acceptance from Clover Cup and I immediately withdrew my application from Dust Devil knowing I couldn’t afford to go to both and not wanting to eat my family’s entire break with derby.  This is really important if you are a new official this season: it is okay to apply to more tournaments than you think you can attend, in my opinion, but please, communicate clearly to the tournament heads as quickly as possible that you won’t be able to make something as soon as you know. I caught the DD officials before staffing assignments had started to go out.  I may choose to do DD next year if the opportunity arises, I haven’t been yet and I’ve heard good things about it.

Not only was Clover Cup being led by a female TH, my crew head assignment was going to be a strong, female HR. This year, this is important to my decision making. I love working with male refs, but after my experiences at home last year, I have decided I need the mentoring of confident women to help me find a voice on the track as I overcome some of the issues that developed under poor leadership in my local area. I know several of my other crew mates as well, this is going to make me feel much more confident on the track.

Having a tournament head that recognizes the needs of their staff and placing them with the appropriate crew heads is always a factor when I look at which tournaments to apply to and return to the following season. I have been lucky enough that this has been the case for me at most of my tournaments, but I have seen companions partnered with crew heads who did not communicate in ways that worked for them and it led to a lot of disappointing interactions throughout their weekend. It is okay to wait for a TH to be announced, if possible, before applying to an event if you think that it may influence how you are staffed at the event. In fact, I would encourage a further discussion about this and it may warrant it’s own post mid-season *puts mental tag in topic*.

I’m in the goal and travel planning stage for next weekend. I leave midweek and will be gone through the weekend so I’ve re-written my packing lists a few times already. Traveling by car means I can stow a few more luxuries than I typically do, and I’ll follow up with a packing post on my personal tournament essentials in the next day or so.

My goals are pretty basic for this tournament. I went through a hard off season with a lot of changes and it left me without a clear path until really recently. Because I would like to work towards reaching Post-Season eligibility this year, I will work this tournament with the goal of recognizing my strengths and weaknesses and asking for feedback on streamlining my endeavors for the season. I’ll do this by taking notes after each game and listening carefully to critiques from my Crew Head and experienced peers.

I also want to enjoy the experience and be in the moment more than I usually am. I had a lot of anxiety and worry hovering over me last year; wondering what would happen upon my return from each event because of local leadership issues.  This year I am independent of any league and working on being the best official I can be for each event and for the leagues present. So being mindful of my own experience is part of that.

Who else is gearing up for their first tournament experience of the season? What are you doing to get ready and plan? Will I see anyone else at Clover Cup? Leave a comment on the post below and don’t forget, if you like these posts and want to help me cover more content and travel this year, you can leave a donation via the PayPal link in the menu or you can hop over to Bonfire and snag one of these cool shirts.

PS: I got a new phone and the cat wanted in on this post.

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Here we are. Another tournament season (6 on the calendar right now) is upon us and the sun is shining (peeks outside, nope, that’s a lie) and I’m gearing up for travel season. Looking back at my post season wrap up, I feel pretty good about how I stayed focused on some of my goals. I had a rough off season. Some of you are aware of the reasons for that; it wasn’t an easy decision I had to make this winter and it left me considering retirement. I didn’t, obviously, and I’m focused on tournament travel this season but that won’t leave me much time to do the things locally like I did last season (that balance thing, it’s tricky), which makes me sadder than I thought it would.

I admit I haven’t been training like I want . I blame this nonsense:

The Ridiculousness of Winter

We got over two feet of snow around Christmas

But if we are being honest, the S.A.D got the best of me and I found training indoors during bad weather wasn’t my thing. Oh well. Today’s a new day, right? Right. *noshes quiche and raspberry cake for brekkie*

I’ve managed to have a couple of good derby adventures this pre-season, mostly thanks to the support of the Hubs and some good friends. I drove to Denver twice; once alone and once with some ladies; for a couple of double headers at the new shared facility Denver Roller Derby and Rocky Mountain Rollergirls put together. It’s cozy and I’ve felt more welcomed than I could have hoped. It’s great to work with my Denver friends outside a tournament structure where we aren’t all on different crews or so tired we are just hanging on until the next game.  It’s been so long since I’ve had mentors that weren’t at tournaments that making the six hour drive monthly isn’t a hardship. They are also really funny and provide way too much food in then locker room, but don’t tell anyone, because then everyone will want to work there.

There’s the added bonus of culture and good food in a big city after a long dry spell of no travel outside our tiny town. We hit Syrup Denver for breakfast and the Denver Art Museum on our most recent trip before heading back home.

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They are not messing around with that crack bacon

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My Ladies

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We Had…a Drive

 

I learned to ski. It was kind of a random thing. The fifth grade classes here are offered three weeks of lessons at our local ski-hill and I ended up being a chaperone for the school I’m at which got me three weeks of free lessons with a group of the students I work with. It is IMPOSSIBLE to give up on a hard thing when there are 8 ten-year olds cheering you on from the sidelines. My own wee one was in a different class for the three weeks so we went back and did it again yesterday. She never ceases to amaze me with her fearlessness. And I had no idea I could make my body take on something new this late in the game, I don’t know why I’m still surprised by this.

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So here we are.  I get to do some pretty badass things this year.  I’ll be talking about each of the tournaments I do: leading up to them, breaking them down after, and hopefully a bit during. I want to be better at documenting how I feel this year, just as an overall part of my growth, and so new officials and friends can see what it’s like for this one slice (me) of the official life. I’m also planning a few other fun things (backpacking and a race) so those will go up.  Maybe this will be the year I find a voice for the things that have been simmering for the last three seasons that I’ve been too afraid to share until now. Who knows.

I’ve tried so many new things this winter, and a lot of that has to do with the zero fucks I give about failing. In my 20s, I was so worried about failing and what someone else might think if I did. I don’t care what anyone else thinks now, I just don’t want to let myself down.

 

 

I hate to admit that this is my post season wrap up because it means I’m admitting I won’t commit to anymore derby for the next several weeks. I usually pick up the odd game, a traditional (and favorite) tournament and this or that event throughout November and December, but I told myself that I’d take November off of games and just focus on practice and CrossFit so.. here we are in wrap up! What? Okay. This is fine, this is fine.

Number of games… That’s tough, I don’t remember and my games doc is sketchy at best. I think between 40-60 though. I hit 100 lifetime at some point in September apparently. There were some double headers starting in February and some random pickups all summer combined with The Big O (I flew on a plane!), Mayhem, and Monsoon Madness. I achieved my goal from when I started officiating in 2016 and reffed D1 Women’s Flat Track. So now new goals are set. I’ve HRd more than I ever thought I would have and I’ve learned that even though I like it, it’s not my favorite. My favorite role on the track is OPR (more on that in a bit). I have made a LOT of new friends. Really supportive ones who have helped me over one of the hardest two years of my life. They may not even know they did, but they did.

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She’s basically Super

I have goals for next season: Focus in on OPRing. That is a tough decision to make because applying to tournaments as an OPR often means I’m put into the Alternate position rotation. Fewer games in a weekend for the same price of the travel. This is the position I really love doing, however, and if I’m going to pursue certification and eventual endorsement in any role, it is this one. I will still work on all the other roles, but this one is my bae.

42546729_2003674863004669_4499886434869575680_oPhoto Credit: Derby With Recess Photography Maybe I should work on my ref face next season….

Balance. I applied to twice as many tournaments as I went to this season. Why? because that is what I was taught you do. You will only get into to half as many as you apply to. The problem? I was accepted into every tournament I applied to. EVERY SINGLE ONE. This left me in some conundrums. I had to turn down one because it conflicted with a very important family trip. I had pneumonia for nearly eight weeks after that leaving me unable to attend another one. I received acceptance to a third very close to it’s date and decided to decline it due to financial reasons. So next year I’m going to risk applying to fewer and getting into half. It’s a huge risk, but one I have to take. That felt bad; turning down things I wanted to attend and letting down those staffers. So balance. I went backpacking, took family vacations, and still managed to do a lot of derby. It’s okay to do less, I’ll still meet my goals.

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The weekend I couldn’t make a tournament turned into backpacking with my family and friends, not too shabby

Post season: I allowed myself to be talked out of applying to post season by a very toxic individual in my community. I’ve cut this person out, but the damage was done. I think I could have reffed a Continental Cup this year. Or done an alternate role at one of the Men’s events. I will apply to something post season next year. Even if I’m turned down. Shoot for the stars, land on the moon. I have really supportive mentors encouraging me to reach high, even if I don’t stick the landing quite yet, what’s the worst that can happen?

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International? It isn’t off the table.

I will be kind to new officials. I don’t think I get to call myself new anymore. I think I’m a lightly seasoned official with plenty still to learn and some to offer to new officials in their first years on the circuit. I will not introduce myself with my games history. I will not introduce myself with a number of games I’ve worked or how many I still have to go. I will ask new officials who they are and what they do outside of derby. I will listen to them discuss their goals and ask them if there is anything I can do to help them reach those goals. I will discuss with them the successes I have had balancing life and derby. I will ask the names of their partners/pets/children, favorite movies, songs or books. We are in this as a hobby that turns career like too quickly. I will not contribute to the same toxic environment that nearly drove me out in my first six months of officiating. I will be a good listener and empathetic teacher.

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Derby Zebra is Wise and Zen

I will continue to learn, to grow, to admit when I am wrong, to be a good crew mate, to take feedback well and to take responsibility for my own growth and learning process. I want to be stronger and faster on the track and have strength and race goals to help with that. I want next season to be full of positive, growth mindset experiences and fewer fixed mindset moments.

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Achievement Unlocked: Crew for my first Division 1 Tournament in Phoenix, Az.

Photo Credit: Derby With Recess Photography

So that’s it. That’s the wrap up! Time to off season like a champ, starting with catching up on some WoW and Doctor Who. I’m going to start a running training program because???Reasons? so wish me luck on that, I guess. And look for tournament announcements as I get accepted (or not, it’s all part of the process) in the coming months. What’s your off season plan? I would love to hear from other officials about their goals and processes. Leave me a note below.

 

cycle of tournament apps coming out during off season! I get it, we need to plan. But ugh, I hate looking at plane tickets while I am still recovering from a long season and just want to unwind. And before you jump on me about “Well, don’t travel,” for the millionth time. I have to travel to meet my goals. Four leagues in my state and not a one sanctioning games next year. Tournaments are the best way for me to not break my budget by going one weekend and getting 6-8 games in. So here I am, checking prices on rental cars, hotels and planes when I just want to light a fire, listen to Hallowgivingmas music and recover from being sick.

Derby, why can’t I quit you?

Some things you don’t come back from. The door stood open just a smidge. Just a tiny crack letting enough of the muffled voices and light from the other side leak out and entice Sara to inch closer to satiate her curiosity. This was one of those moments. It looked so innocent: some eavesdropping done in a less than malicious just this side of harmless way by a seven year old in footy jammies holding a stuffed bear named Poo, not Pooh. She just wondered what the men wanted from Daddy and why everyone was still awake after midnight and not so innocently if she could get Daddy in a pickle with Mommy like the time she’d overheard him say those naughty things to Jimmie’s mom during carpool  pick up before Christmas. She was still angry that he’d left her. She still got upset that she had to pack a suitcase every other week and Mommy dropped her at this little apartment on the other side of town so far away from her friends that she couldn’t even ride her bike to see them and she had to give up her Saturdays sitting in the pawn shop with him instead. It smelled bad in the shop; like someone put out a cigarette in a can of beer then left it sitting in the sun too long and then poured it all over the walls. She hated it.

So now she was listening. Listening out of childish curiosity and defiance. she couldn’t know it would be one of those things she wouldn’t come back from. At seven, you don’t think that far ahead. You think that everything will eventually be something that can be undone. Washing machines cleaned your clothes when you got cherry slushy on your favorite shirt.  You threw up and felt better when you were sick. Your friend who hated you at recess was your best friend again by lunch. Everything was something that could be undone, because her adults had always undone it for her and she believed this to be the way of the world. She couldn’t know that standing here now would change everything, so she leaned in and she listened.

I’ve been up since about 3:30 this morning, lying in bed wishing I could actually finish a night’s sleep and wondering if maybe I should be working nights somewhere since it seems like I’m never going to be sleeping again anyway.

It’s funny what our brains can put together in those hours when we should be sleeping but can’t. I think a lot about the bridges I’ve burned and whether I can rebuild any of them or if the damage is too great. I think about family a lot. Friends. People I barely know who maybe I have hurt with my words or actions. I think about the people everywhere hurting right now and I can’t help but draw back to my incredibly religious upbringing and wonder if the doomsayers are right and we’re in some sort of End Times. I don’t believe it for a moment, but my brain creates pretty scenarios when the sun is starting to rise.

Today we head down to SF for some appointments and chores. It’s not how either of us wants to spend the day or the week (we go back Wednesday for more cancer followups) but it is what it is. Nothing exciting or special. Just another Monday.IMG_9401

Took a one day trip to Durango two weeks ago, helped train new skaters at Skate School for the local league the next Sunday and now I’m headed to Abq for another game tonight. I forgot how much derby I can do when I’m not drowning in my own fluids. Oh, and I do NOT have tuberculosis, so sorry not sorry, no Huckleberries here.