11-27

brandil79

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November 27, 2015

She accepted her fate. A lamb led to the slaughter. Sacrifice on the altar of his need. Open to the satisfaction brought with knowing he feasted on her desire like a newborn at the tit. It was a mutual destruction. A fire that would consume them. A perfect death.

Sometimes I get silly and make my heroine think things that I honestly don’t believe a real human could have ever thought up. But the fact that things like this are hidden throughout libraries everywhere, makes me ponder; maybe someone has thought these thoughts. Else why would they be written anywhere ever? 

I’ve accepted I won’t win Nano this year. But I’m writing. Mission accomplished?

Thanksgiving 2015

brandil79

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November 26, 2015

Alright. I’ve sat on this post for two days. 

I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. And I don’t believe there’s just this one day to do it. This is a weird holiday anyway; hey! Some people didn’t die of starvation because some other people helped them out and then that first group of people committed genocide against the second group and The End.

But along the way it became this thanks filled day. So I’ll play along. 

I’m grateful for so much. My husband is amazing. Better than yours. My kid is smart, funny, healthy and safe. Our housing is clean and safe and heated and relatively affordable. We have good jobs, plenty of food and running vehicles. I wake up each morning knowing my family is not being hurt, warred against, displaced, turned away from safe harbor or enslaved. All around good things.

My friends are exactly what friends should be. They are kind, generous, full of wit and energy. They never pull punches when I’m being a dick. They are there when we need each other. They support me and encourage me and tell me I’m worthwhile, even though I can’t brown butter and I’m quick to judgement and sometimes snap to my decision before I’ve even heard the whole story. They enrich my life in so many ways.

There’s a lot to be grateful for.

But I’m sitting here on the verge of tears. I have to go down and cook a meal I’ve no desire to cook. I have to make the gravy this year. My mom always made the gravy. I’ve got to do it all. She was always there to help. She’s not here this year. And it sucks.

So, now I’m going to tell you a secret. It’s good to be grateful. It’s also okay to not feel it. To be sad and devastated and wonder if you’ll feel thankful for anything ever again. It’s okay to be at the lowest point or even the not lowest point that’s still sort of a really shitty point on the spectrum. It’s okay. We are going to be okay. I’d like to tell you that this thing that’s making gratitude hard to come by is the worst thing you’ll ever experience. We both know that’d be a lie. Could be worse is waiting. Could be this is it and you’ll come out the other side having survived and better for it.

It’s also okay to feel grateful despite the pain. Maybe more so because of it. It’s okay to be numb and wonder what comes next. I guess what I’m really saying is that today, on this day of thanks, it’s okay.

 We are okay.

brandil79

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November 23, 2015

I’m not sure I even want to post this. It feels hurtful. So I won’t.

I feel bad for anyone who has come into my life this year. I’m chaos. I used to care a lot about things and now i struggle to decide what’s important and what’s not. I can’t seem to find the joy in the things that usually fill me with passion this time of year. And I’m struggling to accept that I’m sort of the odd man out in my group. I hate being alone. I don’t like it. Which actually isn’t true. I do like being alone. I just like people better. And let’s be honest, when I’m alone right now I inevitably turn my thoughts to loss and the way the world is ugly and it’s easy to slip down that slope of despair.

I wish I had a plan. A plan to get out of this place, but I don’t.  I find it funny (I find it kind of sad). I had repeatedly plotted out what it would be like to lose someone. The reality is nowhere near what I had imagined. It’s so much worse. I feel hollow and broken and there is an obvious hole somewhere in me but I can’t find it and repair it.

Things keep changing at a pace I can’t keep up with. It feels like too much air on my face. It’s taking my breath away. 

I have it good. I know that. But some days the sadness is a place and it’s a place with no clearly marked exits. So I sit here and hope some light shines in and shows me the way out.

11-23

brandil79

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November 23, 2015

Food really does bring all the people together. Yesterday was no exception. Making a meal with and for friends who are more family than not was an undeniably satisfying experience. Now excuse me while I spend the next four days digesting and prepping for round two.

   There’s a turkey in that bucket

 Praise Turkey

  Im no longer allowed to pick the movie  

    Feast

  Apparently there is such a thing as too much pie  Stuffed like bird

 Did I mention pie?

Candles

brandil79

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November 20, 2015

I don’t like to complain about my life cuz it’s a good good life. But I hadn’t planned for this one. So sometimes I’m melting crayons in a double boiler surrounded by a dozen 7 year olds going who is this? Whose life is this??

We made candles  

 

11-20

brandil79

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November 20, 2015

Make sure you have two quarters for popcorn. If possible, bring extras in case a friend does not have two quarters for popcorn.

It was hard to wrap his brain around it. She was still there. Still in his arms. Still breathing deeply and blissfully asleep. He’d expected her to run as soon as they’d finished. They always ran from him. It was one thing to fuck him, it was another to stick around and admit that he was more than just a quick fix. They’d been friends for so long; he assumed that was Over now that they’d fallen into bed. But here she was, curled agaisnt his side like a cat. Her arm draped across his chest and her head resting just over his heart. This was trouble. This wasn’t going to end well. She took a deep, satisfied breath in. 

“Why is this so easy?” He whispered into her hair.

“Because we know each other.” 

Not our heroine today. But her friend and lover. He’s uncertain about all of it and it will lead to some challenges. 

The popcorn is only today. Don’t forget your quarters.

11-19

brandil79

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November 19, 2015

In a dark corner, he stole her. Wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a circle of warmth she had forgotten could exist. It wasn’t better or worse. It was just them and she wasn’t sure how long she could stay in his arms and not completely fall. For him it was too late. He was lost to her completely and even though it would never be, could never be, he was a thief stealing this moment and however many more he could.

Our heroine has taken a lover. And she doesn’t regret it. She’s never had a lover before and it’s a bit hard to wrap her mind around it so I’m giving her a few days off. You missed the scene with the couch and the blow job because the Internet ate it (Okay, let’s be honest, I hit a button and it vanished, stupid thumbs). I’m working on a scene in a different story. There are no heroic figures in this one. In fact, I hate all but one of my MCs and I’m working on various ways to kill them off. There will be blood.

Have you ever wondered if those things we think about just before waking are part of our dreams or are the first thoughts about our day? They are often so closely spaced it can be hard to tell. Maybe that’s the space where the door was born. Probably. Said it before, say it again; Fuck that door.

I’m gonna try a new thing today. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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