I’m not sure I even want to post this. It feels hurtful. So I won’t.

I feel bad for anyone who has come into my life this year. I’m chaos. I used to care a lot about things and now i struggle to decide what’s important and what’s not. I can’t seem to find the joy in the things that usually fill me with passion this time of year. And I’m struggling to accept that I’m sort of the odd man out in my group. I hate being alone. I don’t like it. Which actually isn’t true. I do like being alone. I just like people better. And let’s be honest, when I’m alone right now I inevitably turn my thoughts to loss and the way the world is ugly and it’s easy to slip down that slope of despair.

I wish I had a plan. A plan to get out of this place, but I don’t.  I find it funny (I find it kind of sad). I had repeatedly plotted out what it would be like to lose someone. The reality is nowhere near what I had imagined. It’s so much worse. I feel hollow and broken and there is an obvious hole somewhere in me but I can’t find it and repair it.

Things keep changing at a pace I can’t keep up with. It feels like too much air on my face. It’s taking my breath away. 

I have it good. I know that. But some days the sadness is a place and it’s a place with no clearly marked exits. So I sit here and hope some light shines in and shows me the way out.

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