Alright. I’ve sat on this post for two days. 

I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. And I don’t believe there’s just this one day to do it. This is a weird holiday anyway; hey! Some people didn’t die of starvation because some other people helped them out and then that first group of people committed genocide against the second group and The End.

But along the way it became this thanks filled day. So I’ll play along. 

I’m grateful for so much. My husband is amazing. Better than yours. My kid is smart, funny, healthy and safe. Our housing is clean and safe and heated and relatively affordable. We have good jobs, plenty of food and running vehicles. I wake up each morning knowing my family is not being hurt, warred against, displaced, turned away from safe harbor or enslaved. All around good things.

My friends are exactly what friends should be. They are kind, generous, full of wit and energy. They never pull punches when I’m being a dick. They are there when we need each other. They support me and encourage me and tell me I’m worthwhile, even though I can’t brown butter and I’m quick to judgement and sometimes snap to my decision before I’ve even heard the whole story. They enrich my life in so many ways.

There’s a lot to be grateful for.

But I’m sitting here on the verge of tears. I have to go down and cook a meal I’ve no desire to cook. I have to make the gravy this year. My mom always made the gravy. I’ve got to do it all. She was always there to help. She’s not here this year. And it sucks.

So, now I’m going to tell you a secret. It’s good to be grateful. It’s also okay to not feel it. To be sad and devastated and wonder if you’ll feel thankful for anything ever again. It’s okay to be at the lowest point or even the not lowest point that’s still sort of a really shitty point on the spectrum. It’s okay. We are going to be okay. I’d like to tell you that this thing that’s making gratitude hard to come by is the worst thing you’ll ever experience. We both know that’d be a lie. Could be worse is waiting. Could be this is it and you’ll come out the other side having survived and better for it.

It’s also okay to feel grateful despite the pain. Maybe more so because of it. It’s okay to be numb and wonder what comes next. I guess what I’m really saying is that today, on this day of thanks, it’s okay.

 We are okay.

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