Struggling to find a voice inside all these words. I think I might have some peace of mind if I could write down half of what I’m thinking.

Like examining friendship and relationships with other adults. That takes up an enormous amount of time in my brain. I finally put some of it into words yesterday and it made me realize I am not s horrible person for feeling the way I do. It’s okay to be different now than I was five months ago. And to treat myself with kindness and not force myself to be nice all the time. That’s killing me. Also, im not very good at it. Nice. I try, I really do. Sometimes it just isn’t in me to be alright every single minute. I need to be a little broken sometimes. And I think that’s okay.

She grabbed his hand and pulled her in close. She knew it would be okay in that moment; that despite everything keeping them apart, he was with her. A piece of her. She’d bitten off more than she could chew. He was more male than she had known a man could be. Virile. Protective. Man. She let him surround her body with his. She inhaled deeply, letting him guide her slowly into his cock. She straddled him; rocking gently against his hips, feeling his legs tense beneath her thighs as she slowly rose and fell on his cock. Letting it glide in until it was buried, then lifting her body slowly until she could feel only the tip; barely inside her. Then she’d slam back down on him. 
Heroine needed love. 

I feel so bad for this kid. I mean, this is a fucked up sit for the best of us, he’s just a poor kid stuck with us.

The Intel that box maker picked up looks to be panning out. Not sure it’s s good thing to head south or not, but fuck, im curious. Better get back to it. Something’s coming, I know it.

There is a group of us that like to eat. It started as a noodle run, but it’s become sort of once to twice a month thing. Go into Santa Fe and nom all the noms. We try new places and get excited to hangout and usually do a bit of any other errands we need to do. It’s fun. It’s more female bonding than I like to admit I actually need. I look forward to it. 

Today we hit the El Salvadoran place again and i ordered waaaaayy too much food. I was starved. It was good. 

I headed for home and all was well. I stopped at a bookstore. And then it happened. Snow. Lots of it. Too much for me to drive in. So I got stranded in a casino and won some cash off the slots in the lobby. I ate a truffle. And in the end the snow let up enough to get home. 

Just a day. Nothing huge. But good god how I love my life on days like this. Seriously. I’m god-fucking-damn lucky to be me some days.

  

There’s a story brewing. Which means things might get lean for a bit. However, I feel you should know, the lovers in the cabin are doing quite well, despite their mutual Desire to remain undiscovered. It is making them both a bit tense, but she’s learning to trust him and he’s learning to trust her and they are having amazing sex so really all is well there.

Our heroine has finally left her lover. She’s tired of feeling like something he uses the same way a cat uses a mouse before finally leaving it, neck broken, to rot. She’s not alone though. She has a new toy if her own and she’s discovering what it’s like to be free and open and herself.

The door remains doorish. It opens and closes at will and sometimes someone walks through it and whispers ideas in my brain. Sometimes the ideas are a life that needs living and I do my best to help them live.

The cabin, the heroine, the door. Midnight and alls well.

time and again I ask myself what makes me keep doing the things I do. I don’t really have a good answer. I step into the sunlight each morning knowing full well im risking everything just to feel it’s warmth and I do it again and again. It’s impossible to see them in the bright of the sunrise; only the slightest shimmer gives them away. Tiny wisps of smoke just beyond the wrought iron fence, I can sense them testing, pushing right up to-but not touching-the only protection I have left. I go back inside before the sun rises completely above the horizon. Inside the walls of the fortess that the old school has become. Every day I climb the stairs two at a time and curl up on the twin sized matress in the middle of an otherwise empty room. I listen as the birds go silent on the tree and wish myself into slumber. I don’t know why I push this boundary every day; why I must see a sun I would believe exists even if I didn’t catch it’s glimmering entrance into day. But I know that it is this thing, this drive to own a piece of the daylight they robbed from me, that led to the events that would ultimately take me down to death. And so, without further pomp, my death. A tale in three acts.

im counting this as yesterday’s even though it is today.

When does Adulting get so hard? Why? I’m nearing 40 (truth) and it should be easier. Instead every day im learning something new. And it hurts my brain.

Have I told you about our lady savior derby? She’s the best. She and the taco pope. I bow.

I promise to be better tomorrow.

Waking in the darkened room, she momentarily forgot where she was and the panic set in. She fumbled around for the lamp switch and realized it wasn’t there on the side table, she was in the hotel. Alone. Again. How many did this make this month? Five? She ran through the cities in her head; Chicago, Dallas, tucson, salt lake, Provo, and now here; Santa Fe. At least the food was better than it had been in Provo.

The thread count was high enough she contemplated letting herself doze off until her alarm went off. Instead she kicked the blanket off and shuffled across the plush carpet to the double headed shower, started the Jets and stood under them washing away the stink of cigars and scotch while she listened to the patter of water hitting the surprisingly tasteful blue and green tiles.

She’d had way too much to drink with the clients last night, but it was why she was good at what she did. Filtering information through a haze of expensive scotch and watching rich old men crudely fondle more expensive strippers was her specialty. And although they’d all be passed out in their suites with the latter sprawled across there beds or floors of bodies; she’d be ready to board the next plane to the next town; contract signed and in hand to the courier before the seatbelt sign came on.

She dressed simply in gray slacks and a creamy merino wool sweater. The look was simple but reeked of money; all her clothes  did. Clients didn’t want cheap pantsuits or padded shoulders, they wanted the subtle reminder that she was their equal. Not to blatant though; she still represented an alternative path they’d never intended to take and they didn’t want to think to heavily about that. So nothing that reminded them that her wardrobe came at their expense. It was a delicately fine line, one she expertly walked.