Who knew buying a house would be so busy. I guess we did. It was a whirlwind. I look back to this past winter when we sat in our rental, the neighbor’s music pounding against our walls as he ran his stairs, I assume for excersise, or smoked whatever that was on the back patio, and we discussed how impossible a dream owning seemed. Houses in our area are ridiculously overpriced. No, really. 2 bedroom 1 bath homes built in the 50s selling for 200k or more. Lots and lots of duplexes and quads for sale that no one will finance without huge cash down. The style and locations we wanted all seemed to run in the 300k range. And the local bank was firm that it was 20% down or bust.  We just didn’t think it would happen in the next five years. 

I guess that things happened like they were supposed to. We started looking at very very tiny houses. A swathe of steel built boxes built to accommodate a growing population in the 70s, teeny things no more than 500-600 sq ft. We could do it, we thought. A fraction of the cost of the average home in our area. We called a realtor and on the day she informed us that three of the four we wanted to see were alread under contract, we found this little gem, too good to be true, priced heavenly. We put the offer in on our anniversary. By Mother’s Day we were in.  It needs TLC. But as I sit here, listening to the quiet save the chirp of birds and rustle of a soft breeze through the aspens, I am home.

  

Been quiet because we bought a house and it is a lot of work. Nice little fixer upper with a great yard in a very quiet neighborhood. 

    
    
   

I don’t know if it’s their new rules about plants, or just the crisp Rocky Mountain air, but Colorado sure has some great derby. Reffed up in Eagle over the weekend. My ref buddy and I were hosted in a skater’s home, taken to a rum bottling party (and sent home with some boutique, very tasty, horchata rum), fed repeatedly, treated with respect on and off the track and just all around had a great weekend. Every single team was appreciative, made a point of saying so, and gave me the sense that I was not just a prop in their show.

Additionally, the Tournament Head was encouraging, gave great feedback, I worked with some amazeballs men and women and learned way more than expected. I was exhausted, sweaty, hungry, cold and totally would have done five more games.

Well done, Colorado Derbs, well done. 

    
    
 

Last heavy post and then I gotta switch it up for a bit.

There’s an article circling in the officating community. Written by, I assume, a skater. The claim is made that reffing and being a skater go hand in hand and doing one makes you better at the other. I don’t disagree. Not completey. It’s true that all skaters should take a turn on the other side, if only to gain a respect for what’s happening at any given moment in those roles. It takes a different skating skill set too, which crosses over nicely to the track.

The idea, however, that one can do it all and master any of it? I disagree. It’s only the opinion of me. One person. But i stand behind it. 

I’ve mentioned the choices I have made. There’s a reason for them. Here they are in no particular order. Why I didn’t do it all and why I think, that with the exception of an occasional scrimmage or practice, skaters and officials should train in the respective roles and not overlap.

Neutrality

I had the privilege of attending a Wftda officating clinic this year. It really drove home how important neutrality in the officating community is. In a sport that is so incestual; where skaters are sometimes refs, refs are sometimes former skaters, everyone works hard to build a strong league and better the sport, officials are closer to those they officiate than they might be tasked with in other sports. So the idea of neutrality is easily challenged if you haven’t clearly defined your role. How can I skate with my teammates jn one game then turn around and fairly judge them in another. In my case I would worry more about overpenalizing those I have skated with or coached because I am familiar with their style and strategy. It isn’t fair to them. And it isn’t fair to the team they play if that team has to question where I stand. So I gave up the team this year. No more coaching. No more skating. It’s the right thing to do. I went to a scrimmage this last weekend and sure enough, I didn’t even notice when my former teammates were on the track. Because I hadn’t played with them all month in preparation. 

Time Managment

Call me crazy but I think balance is important. Going into this season i planned to skate on a home team, coach the travel team and ref. I was convinced I could do it all. I was dispelled of that notion rather quickly. It was a short road to burnout and I had to make some choices. Which also leads to one of the other things.

Respect for Coaching staff 

I have a wonderful group of coaches around me. When I was skating, I was trained safely, pushed to my limits and always listened to. That didn’t change when I began reffing. I am very fortunate to have two WFTDA certified officials teaching me the ways of the zeeb. They’ve put in a lot of hard work, effort, done the learning and have good experiences to draw from. When I was flip flopping back and forth at any given practice, it was a waste of their time. I would be listening to them explain a scenario then I would need to jump in and explain a skill to a skater. It was frustrating and our HR called me out I it. Why should he waste his time if I wasn’t going to commit? The answer was clear: he shouldn’t. So I made another tally in the make up you’re mind sheet.

It’s confusing to teammates 

Too easily when I was reffing at practice would skaters still turn to me and ask strategy or other questions. Questions I shouldn’t be answering as a ref. And when I would refuse to answer, I could see their faces fill with confusion.  And when they’d ask how to skirt this rule or that rule? How inappropriate for me to use my role and knowledge to teach them those things? Very. I have seen teams where their coach officiates and then teaches them strategy based on things they’ve seen or learned about other leagues. It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to be that person. That comes back around to neutrality too.

Fences Are Uncomfortable Seats

This is just me, personally, but I like being the best at whatever I do. And I couldn’t do that while sitting with one foot on either side of the fence. I wasn’t committed to anything so I wasn’t improving either. Since making the commitment I can feel the difference. I can fully pay attention at practices to the advice of my HR. When i get to ref games I am not watching strategy and trying to file it away for later, I am simply doing what I am there to do: officiate. 

So that’s it. I guess. I do agree wth the refs should skate and skaters should ref idea. To a degree. But the idea that you can be an impartial, dedicated member, of both groups is off to me. I think dabbling is one thing, but reaching for success as a skater and simultaneously attempting to officiate at certification levels if derby is a mistake. Maybe I am dead sexy, I mean, wrong. I wouldn’t mind hearing from those who think they’re doing both at successful levels and how they balance the neutrality and focus. For now, look for me in stripes. It’s where you’ll find me for a while (hopefully a very very long while).

Why? I am getting that a lot. Why Reffing? Why don’t you want to skate anymore? Won’t you miss the competition? Won’t you miss the hard work and being a part of derby? 

What? Are you serious? I am not even going to go much into the ridiculousness of those questions. I will say, if you like skating, ref. There’s no bench time for refs. So. And the other stuff? Well, it’s pretty self-explanatory. I mean, why not? I was a bit stagnant. And needed to know what it was like. And it was awesome. So that’s why I guess.

I think the worst, most insulting implication has been from a contingent of folks who assume I couldn’t hack it as a skater. Maybe I couldn’t. I’ll admit things weren’t healing as fast as they used to. Bruises lingered for weeks. Joints ached months after the initial injury. Or maybe it’s the comment someone made that I must be in it to spend more time with a male friend. Uh. No. We were hanging out as frequently, if not more so, prior to this. And gross. Please stop assuming women do things because of a man. I have a damn good man in my life. I don’t need any more of them. Thanks for the implication that I Am a pathetic tagalong though. It made my day.

So I asked myself. When? When did this happen. Last spring. That’s what I came up with. Last spring I was tired. And wanted to try something new. A scrimmage was happening, a themed thing. And I agreed to try Reffing. It was something that I wanted to do and it sounded hard and like a lot of fun. I had never done it before, why not try?

I donned borrowed stripes, and was gifted a whistle (which is my favorite whistle because it represents a thing). I had a vague idea that points were gonna happen and I would skate around looking graceful and pointing at people.

Holy fuck. Was I off. Points absolutely did happen. Fast. Faster than I could see them. Gracefully pointing? I couldn’t get over the hurdle of skating and doing things with my arms and thinking at the same time. I was hot, sweaty, ran into people, tripped on the IPR, lost my jammer, fondled a fellow ref when I wasn’t paying attention to who was in front of me and ended the day feeling like I had put on skates for the first time ever. I fucking loved it. 

I would have done it more. But I was committed to the team. I snuck a few more games in last year and over the winter slowly realized it was where I wanted to be. Maybe those on the outside weren’t aware it was happening because, hey, we don’t always know what’s going on in other people’s lives. Surprising, right? 

I didn’t know that Castle Rock would be my last competitive games. I did by the end. I spent more time with the officials afterwards than I did the skaters. They spoke to me. I wanted that world. And I intend to spend the next six years like I did my first. Learning, growing, pushing myself to be the best I can be. Empowering others to make the journey their own no matter which team their on. When people ask why? This is why. 

Red v Green 2015 

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Castle Rock 2015

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Abq October 2015

 
Salida 2016  
Las cruces 2016

  
 

Less than stellar feeling. Picked up a nasty bug that’s got my chest in a vice.  

On the bright side, I did the thing again. Reffing is hard. Like never was skating this hard. First off, I’ve let my endurance slide. Don’t do that. You don’t get to sit on the bench every other jam as a ref. And some of those packs are fast. Nuff said. Also, my brain hurts. Which I love. The challenge of keeping track of ten people at any given time and trying to see what their arms legs heads bodies are doing? Whew. Much respect to those who’ve been doing this for a while. Your brains must be amazing places.

some unkind words were muttered at me. Which I think might be something I just get used to. People can be vicious. Oh well.

Things I need to work on: warming up and drinking water. As well as rereading all the sections on jammer lap points and box reentry. And keeping my arm up. It’s tough to go from skater (keep your arms in!) to ref (get those arms up!). Fun times. I’ll keep doing it and working hard to earn the trust thrown at me. I know I’ve had some people take me on nervously and I don’t wanna let anyone down. For now, have a cat.

  

More reffing happened. Still loving it. More than I thought. Some really tough decisions were made. I’ve given up coaching and any team opportunities this year. I have a priority. It’s officiating. Doing all the things doesn’t help me learn or grow. I can only be so neutral with one toe in the skater pool and one in the ref tub. So I pulled the bandaid off pretty quick and it’s been harder than I thought.

I think there may be people out there capable of doing both. I’ve found  I am not one of them. That’s okay. I really adore what im doing. So much so that I find myself looking forward to games more than I ever did as a skater. And traveling is interesting. Listening to a lot of audio books. Seeing some new places. Meeting people. It’s good.

I wish I could let people in a bit. And discuss why im doing it. But the words come out defensive and sad. So it’s easier to just fade into the background for now.

Anyway. It’s cold. Snowed. Im tired. But life is good.
  

She was talking about the shipments, not paying attention to him. When his hand touched hers, and he pulled her in, she forgot what she’d been saying. His lips touched hers and she crashed; undone by the soft, unspoken promise on them. It was a brief reminder that the spark was still alive and he could kindle the fire to a roar with a single breath.

The door was open and there was a lightness to the room that felt off. Not s brightness. Not light streaming in through the open door. A lack of weight. A missing substance. Something was not where it was supposed to be. And the door was open.