Daily 10/23

Do you ever have those moments in your life (of course you do, we all do, duh) when a thing that is so unexpected clicks and you know that it’s happening, but it’s happening in such a rapid way that it sort of feels like you might careen out of control straight into a wall because it’s happening that fast?

I’m at one of those points in my life.  Things have changed drastically since September.  And one of the most devastating things I could have predicted (let’s be honest, we all know our parents are going to die at some point, we just can’t prepare for the emotional fallout as much as we’d like to think) has happened. It coincided with something really great.  A new set of friendships that I was not at all prepared for.  People I’d taken for granted as nice but really just acquaintances, stepped up in a way that took me so completely by surprise I’m sorta sitting here waiting for the “just kidding, Carrie, have some pig’s blood” moment.  Now, I know (or think I know) better.  But the icky inner monologue is just twitching to holler a big “I told you so” should things suddenly go T.U.

We are strange, we humans.  Our tribes are built not from a bond of blood but shared experiences and interests.  It baffles me at times when I look at my little village.  Each of us is uniquely different, a little fucked up at times and all in all doing our best to adult.  Which is really not at all what it’s cracked up to be kiddos, so FFS go take a nap while you can because believe it or not no one is going to sit around and twiddle their thumbs while you curl up in your blanket fort.  Shit needs doing and you’re the only one around to do it.

Anyway, friendship can upend things in the brain.  And this particular set of friends I’ve got right about now is doing just that. They picked me right up off the floor without a second thought, poured booze and love down my throat (not like that, ew, gross) and have been a constant and consistent “things are okay” in a rather “things are not okay” time.  They are second only to The Man in their unwavering support.  They’ve also got me questioning things, interested in things that were never on my radar, challenging myself mentally and physically to TRY THE NEW because if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me and that’s fucking awesome.  It hurts me a bit to think about the things I’ve lost this past year, especially in the last two months.  Especially because I think my mom would love some of these people I’m surrounded by.  She would definitely approve of how they treat her baby.

NaNo is creeping up, and I as usual there are some plot ideas.  Some themes I want to explore, a few characters half hashed.  But I can’t help but think maybe this year I’ll try something a bit less out there. Maybe real life can treat you to as many surprise endings as the fantasies I tend to dwell in.  Maybe.  Who knows. There’s still the issue of the door.  It’s still hanging around being an asshole. Derby is winding down, but we have a ton of paperwork to complete and some deadlines to hit and that’s always lingering.  along with the ever present fear that maybe someone will realize that I’m a big faker, that adulting is not at all in my skill set, that I should turn over my Fem card once they realize I’m not really contributing in a meaningful way to the betterment of our sex, and that maybe my kid will realize that mom doesn’t quite have all the answers and maybe it’s okay for her to not listen to me as quickly as she used to.

Coping is a word that gets thrown about all too often lately.  And I get it and I’m trying.  But honestly, without the support network around me (hope I tell them all enough that they’re saving me) I’m not sure where I’d be.  Between The Man and the kid and the friends and the derby, these two months have been “okay”.  Meaning I haven’t had too many epic meltdowns, yet.  But there’s also this “omg new things’ stress wrecking up the brain joint and I can’t decide how much hermiting will need to happen this winter to decompress.  A fair amount is my guess.

I guess there’s no real point to this post.  Just that life is strange and sudden.  Don’t take people at face value, they could end up being more like family than you’d ever expect (who knew I had a long lost brother?) and FFS don’t take your family for granted.  Each of us is just a moment, a blip on the screen adn we will all be gone before any of us has a chance to say “Was Here”.  So yea.  That’s it I guess.  Just life. It’s a thing.

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