Knowing myself like I do, I know that something’s not quite right. There’s a bit of an offness in the internal dialogue. I can’t put my finger on it, it’s just a wrong that’s seeping around the edges. Like light under a door. There’s a quality of lightness; you know that somewhere on the other side a lamp has been left on. You can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from. It’s too vague. Maybe is the sun coming up in another more windowed room and the light is creeping into your darkened bedroom knocking on your brain to get the fuck up and greet the day. Maybe it’s still 3 am and the light is trickling in from the bathroom; left on when your bladder knocked and you had to drag yourself in and did you leave the water running? Is the light on because someone else is awake and if you got up now to go turn it off youd run into your roommate taking a piss and playing Candy Crush and it’d be awkward and now you’ll have to buy coffee out because you need to leave early enough to avoid seeing her so you don’t relive the awkwardness of seeing her with her pants sound her ankles in the middle of the night.
That’s the quality of off in my brain right now. There’s a light begging to be identified but at the same time it’s really not something I want to poke at. If I get up and go looking I might find all sorts of sources to the off and it might be so overwhelmingly blinding that I lose track of the things that are actually in the right. The offness may just be perception. It could be that it’s not off at all, and the rest of what I’m perceiving as right and on is the actual wrong and off. And then what?
It’s not terrifying. I’m not concerned that whatever has changed is changing things in a way that’s going to lead to an overhaul of the fundamental goodness that I’ve rooted around. But this little seeping different has allowed me to see things I wasn’t even aware existed. Chances and opportunities and what ifs.
Rambling through this morning to the smell of pancakes and maple syrup. Something’s not quite right. Or maybe it’s exactly right. I know myself. I know myself. I know.