To whom it may concern:
I have noticed, in recent weeks, an uptick in the number of scarecrows in the neighboring lawn at [redacted]. I would like to address the myriad of issues that surround this recent development as it pertains to the situations that arose, most recently, in our small and humble town.
Many of my neighbors may be unaware of the potential menace these seemingly harmless straw men pose. However, I would like to point out that despite their rather innocuous appearances, recent developments lead me to believe that their very presence has brought about a series of rather unfortunate tidings.
I draw your attention, good sirs and madams, to the recent and tragic fires in the gardens of Mrs. M. and Mr. Charles X. Coincidence, many have claimed. I find it telling, however, that both the sir and madam were growing rather prize kabocha squash in their quaint gardens, directly in competition to the resident Gardner at [redacted]. It is no secret that this lighthearted (seemingly) competition had recently ended in near blows and extremely heated exchanges between the three parties. And although no foul play can be proved, I find it extraordinary conincidental that a small, hay stuffed and plaid clad figure was found at the scene of both fires.
I cannot begin to list the numerous accounts by neighbors regarding the discovery of similar scarecrows coinciding with various garden and culinary disasters, but rest assured, good neighbors, that this citizen is on high alert, and I would strongly encourage the county councillors to consider a temporary ban on the straw men until such time that it can be said with utter certainty that they do not pose the threat I suspect them to.
Sincerely and with heartfelt concern,